If Pixar Made The Shining, It Would Still Freak Me Out

Jack (voiced by Jimmy Fallon) interviews for a job as a winter caretaker at the desolate Overlook Hotel high in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. Jack’s new employer mentions that his predecessor suffered “cabin fever,” ax-murdered his family, and blew his brains out. By the way, it’s impossible for the cops to show up by car because the road gets snowed in. No problem! [Song: “Cabin Fever!”]

Let’s meet Danny. Danny (voiced by Justin Bieber), has a finger haunted by Tony (voiced by Morgan Freeman) who predicts the future.

After Danny envisions a river of blood cascading out of the hotel elevator and demonic children, Danny’s mom Wendy (voiced by Ellen Degeneres) tells the doctor that Danny’s dad has a tendency to become violent when he drinks. Jack must stay sober unless he wants a divorce. It’s never too early to learn about conflict resolution. Danny’s mom smokes, in a relatable way.

After showing Danny and Wendy the hotel’s cavernous walk-in meat freezer, Dick the chef (voiced by Hank Azaria), who also possesses psychic powers, tells Danny to stay out of Room 237. What the heck is in there?

After settling in, Jack appears catatonic and verbally abuses his wife, and we learn about the value of constructive communication. Danny bumps into the twins from the hall, who invite him to stay forever and ever and ever and flash before him as bloodied corpses sprawled out on the carpet.

The phone lines are down at the moment due to the raging snowstorm which will continue throughout the duration of the film. [Song: “Sisterhood Forever”/“Let It Snow, Let It Snow”]

Danny’s dad and his new sidekicks Depression and Psychosis (voiced by Will Arnett and Jason Alexander) also tell Danny that they should stay forever and ever and ever. “You would never hurt Mommie or me, would ya?” Danny asks. Jack says no, of course not, why would he think that? Definitely no.

“Oh my God, I must be losing my mind,” Jack tells Wendy after divulging that he’d just dreamed of chopping them up into pieces.

Danny goes into Room 237, reemerges with bruises; Wendy calls Jack a son of a bitch; Jack makes an imaginary bartender friend (voiced by Nicki Minaj) who slips him a bottle of bourbon, and they discuss “the old sperm bank” (Wendy). One of the many problematically accumulating ask-your-parents things.

Jack meets a decomposing hag (voiced by Samantha Bee) taking a bath.

From a bedroom in Miami, Dick senses that evil has escaped Room 237. Dick calls the hotel and then the park rangers to see if they’ll check in via radio, which Jack has disconnected. Dick boards a flight. But will he get there in time, through a pummeling snowstorm? [Song: “Tickity Tock, Race the Clock”]

After defending his decision to stick it out at the godforsaken hotel, Jack attends a raging twenties gala and meets the previous caretaker who’d turned his family into tartare.

Wendy’s walking around now with a baseball bat. She smacks Jack in the head, he falls down the stairs, and she drags his unconscious body into the meat locker. Wendy attempts to escape with Danny on the Sno-Cat, only to find that Jack has cut the cables.

This movie is pretty spooky!

Jack chases Wendy and Danny around the hotel with an ax. [Song title: “Here’s Johnny!”]

Wendy walks in on a man in a bear suit blowing a dude. She, too, sees the elevator blood tide, and Disney has lost its G rating.

Danny escapes his homicidal dad in the snow-frosted hedge maze out front.

Jack turns into a snowman because he freezes to death. [Song: “Let It Go” from Frozen]

The end.