The Worst Deals of Amazon Prime Day 2021 (Update: Day 2)

It’s not Play-Doh that’s terrible. I’m simply wondering who on this green earth has more than 10 Play-Doh cans? Perhaps it was just that my parents were stingy, but the maximum I ever had was three. More often than not, my mom would mix flour and water to make a homemade putty-like substance that, like Play-Doh, would eventually harden. Who are you, person tempted by a 24-pack of Play-Doh? Are you a kindergarten teacher? In which case, this is another reason why educational reform is necessary because you shouldn’t have to buy school supplies with your own moolah. Also, there are what appear to be 13 shades of pink and red in this edition. I guess you can make a lot of hearts for Valentine’s Day?

Ah yes, a $2 discount for an off-brand hair coloring wax. What could possibly go wrong? Is it me, or wouldn’t you just have stiff hair coated in some waxy material all day? How is this desirable?

The Fitbit Blaze came out in 2016. It was discontinued in 2018. I suppose this deal is for the five people who still have one of these things. Technically, it’s still supported in terms of software but, uh, Fitbit’s since released about seven smartwatches that do a lot more than the Blaze ever did. (Out of curiosity: If you have a Blaze, does the battery still hold a charge?) Never mind that you’re only saving $1.80 off these outdated bands for an outdated gadget. Perhaps it’s time to invest in a slightly newer Fitbit?

No one said gaming mice were ever chic, but good lord you can find something cooler than this.

“My son has been practicing using it. I am hoping to divert energy he puts into Fortnite. Last night without prompting, he marched into my room and said, ‘Watch this Mom!’” - Tara

Sure, Tara, a human that totally exists, I completely believe your totally-not-made-up son prefers this to Fortnite.

People put a lot of dumb shit on kids’ clothes, but not even the Boss Baby would be caught dead in this. Also, why is the theoretical child unsure of whether they want to kick it with their mom? Toddler, if you want to convey certainty that your mom is indeed who you’d like to kick it with, omit the “I think.” Be bold.

First of all, I know you don’t think this T-shirt with a design farted out in Photoshop costs $35.99 normally. Out of curiosity, I checked CamelCamelCamel. Yeah, no. This shirt is normally priced at $17.99. You’re getting $4.50 off, not $22.40.

Secondly, if I had a time machine, I’d use it to find the Target marketing executive that decided to sell inspirational quotes on merchandise and give them a thump on the head.

Most supplements are a scam, but DiEt CoFfEe??!?!?!

COFFEE ALREADY HAS ZERO CALORIES.

Look, I’m just saying, I’m pretty sure all these promotional photos have been photoshopped. Also, the boy on the left does not look all that impressed.

Did you know that Tom Selleck appeared in nine movies as a washed-up, alcoholic, small-town cop known as Jesse Stone? Why are there NINE movies? Wikipedia tells me CBS ran the first eight films from 2005-2012, while the ninth was picked up by the Hallmark Channel. Was there really a horde of Tom Selleck fans that demanded this or... I guess if the reviews are any indication, the answer is yes. Though they all seem mad because this collection isn’t in chronological order. Wow.

I’m not going to argue about whether you should use pre-workout powders. I’d just question using one that calls itself “I AM GOD.”

Also, it says it has INSANE flavors but then proceeds to list apple, fruit punch, Thou Shalt Not Covet (orange), and Drink Ye All of It (grape). Why do orange and grape get these grandiose names but apple and fruit punch get nothing? Why isn’t apple Forbidden Fruit of Knowledge or something like that? Why isn’t fruit punch called Fists of Valhalla or some shit?

Also, there’s a PSYCHOTIC Hellboy edition.

I guess that’s what you get when you buy from a company called Insane Labz, which was founded by “a horror head who started a local gym and supplement store” and calls its users the “Asylum Faithful.”

I sent this to a bald friend of mine and he said, “Aah!” I asked him if that was a frightened “Aah!” or an intrigued “Aah!” He said the former, though he could “see how this might work.”

I asked my husband if he would use this thing on his face, since he hates shaving his beard so much. He said, “Hell no. It kind of looks like a Final Fantasy boss. You know, like one of those giant worms.”

I guess in asking if we could, we never stopped to ask if we should.

What’s wrong with trowels???

D-do gardeners actually want to dig in the dirt with their hands when planting??

Listen, I can think of a few times in my life when something like this might have come in handy. I can see why you might want to use this while pregnant or when recovering from surgery. But... how do you clean it right after use?? Do you have to practice using it? What is wrong with squatting?

If you think this is a lot, I invite you to peruse reviews from people who had a bad time using it.

Clearly, this is for professionals, but it’s also going to haunt my nightmares forever.

Joker (2019) is an objectively bad movie. The Joker himself has become a pop culture shorthand for brain-poisoned nihilism. If you saw someone unironically love the Joker on their dating profile, I’d advise you to swipe left.

Anyway, you can get a whole $1 off this action figure. What a deal.

There’s truly a Funko Pop! figure for everything. It used to be that Funkos were just figurines of TV, movie, and comic book characters. Then there were some collectible variants. Again, this is capitalism at its finest. If not for Funko, who would monetize toy collectors, nerds, and nerdy toy collectors? Anyway, even two-second end credit scenes now get their own Funkos now. What’s next? Agent Coulson looking at a sandpit with Mjolnir in it? Bucky getting cryogenically frozen in Wakanda? Can’t wait.

Kids love farts and puns, so why not a farting toy that’s also a pun on King Tut? Maybe he’s buddies with ancient Egyptian god Anusis. The other figures in the series also have egregious names, like Robutt, the Grim Ripper, and... Uranus. I’m glad that in 2021 we have emotionally matured as a society.

There was a point in history where it was relevant to watch the movie 2012, a 2 hour, 38-minute long movie about the world ending in 2012. Anytime before January 1, 2013. Brian Edwards of Fox TV is quoted on the cover as saying “Phenomenal! 2012 is the best disaster movie ever.” I can assure you as someone who watched this in theaters in 2009 that it is not. I don’t know why anyone would want this forgettable film on Blu-Ray in 2021. I’m not even sure John Cusack wants this Blu-Ray.

As a city gal, I always thought camping food was stuff like s’mores and hot dogs. If you wanted to get real fancy, there’s that one TikTok ASMR account of guys making some tasty-looking meals over a campfire. One reviewer says this stuff looks like human kibble as it comes in lil beef pellets. No thanks. (But even if this was convenient, how is lugging a 28.02 ounce can travel-friendly?)

Please, don’t subject your bridesmaids to this. Dealing with Bridezillas is hard enough.

Look, I’m sure the stepstool is fine. But it’s Day 2 of Prime Day 2021, and my mental health is rapidly deteriorating. Why is this shirtless buff man being photoshopped onto a mini version of the step stool? And you know it’s photoshopped because 1) The angle of his feet does not match the angle of the mini step stool 2) The mini step stool is clearly a resized version of the bigger one.

To be fair, photoshopped people on digital product renders is a whole category of its own on Amazon. See: This lady who’s never actually jumped on this trampoline.

The seller alleges this is “cute.” Pretty sure the bridezilla who bought the shitty cup in slide 21 is the only person who’d look at this and go, “Sweet Mary and Joseph, I need to buy this. This, this is the thing that will e l e v a t e the interior design in my kitchen and belongs right next to my typographical sign reading ‘Live, Laugh, Bake.’ Wow gosh darn, I gotta thank that Bezos fella.”

While all the other slides are objectively correct, this is the only one where I admit to having personal subjective beef. It’d be one thing if all *all* the Backstreet Boy Funkos were on sale. But only Kevin? What did Kevin do to anyone? Was he the most popular Backstreet Boy back in the ‘90s? No (which again, an objectively bad decision by society as a whole.) He wasn’t the Joey Fatone of the group! That was Howie D (Sorry, Howie). Arguably, Kevin was at his hottest in the I Want It That Way video—which is the Kevin depicted in the Funko. These days, Kevin is clearly The Best Backstreet Boy, precisely because he subtweeted his Trump-loving, QAnon-believing cousin and fellow BSB member Brian Littrell. That guy’s the one who should be the discount Funko Pop, GOD.